Talking about death with your child

22 23 ✓ Tell the truth about what has happened right away; the truth gives a reason for your tears and pain. Being open and emotional can help your child learn how to cope with death.  ✓ Be prepared for a variety of emotional responses from your child. However you approach this subject, your child will be upset, and perhaps, even angry at the loss/death. Accept your child’s emotional reactions. You will have time to address things again after your child’s had time to process the initial shock of what’s happened.  ✓ If you can, please make sure to use the words dead or died. Many find using the words dead  or  died uncomfortable - and prefer using phrases like, passed away, lost, crossed over, went to sleep - but research shows that doing this can actually cause the child more confusion. ✓ Share information in little chunks. You know your child best, so work out what your child can handle by giving information in small bits at a time. ✓ Be comfortable saying, “I don’t know.” Having all the answers is never easy, especially during a time of such heartache. It’s helpful to tell your child that you may not know about certain things, like, “How did grandpa die?” “What happens to Auntie at the funeral home?” or other unanswerable questions. ✓ Cry. Cry together. Cry often. It’s healthy and healing.  ✓ Allow your child to participate in rituals. Let children pick clothing for your loved one, photos for the memorial, a song or reading. This can help them to feel involved and allow them to say goodbye in a positive way. ✓ Let your child learn to cope with the death in his or her own way. Allow your child to be silent about the death. It is also natural for a child to feel lonely and want to isolate themselves at this time too. It’s also common for children to seem unaffected by the death. Essentially, we are saying there is no right way to cope with a death. ✓ Prepare your child for what they will see in the funeral home or service. Tell children what they will see, who will be there, how people may be feeling and what they will be doing. For young children, be specific in your descriptions of what the surroundings will look like. For example, describe the casket and clothes and that the body will be posed. Or if it’s a memorial service, talk about where the body is, if it’s been cremated, in a closed coffin or already buried. Bring along someone to care for the child if you are think that would help you. ✓ Prepare your child for the future without your loved one. Talk about how it will feel to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and special moments without your loved one. Ask your child to help plan how to move through the next calendar event.  ✓ Prepare to talk about thoughts and feelings often. It is likely that you’ll have to talk about the subject of death for days, weeks and months to come. Check-in and be available for ongoing talks and questions as coping with a death is a process.  ✓ Remember to take care of yourself. As parents, we sometimes forget about taking care of ourselves during this time. Children learn what they see, so be a role model for self-care at this critical time.  Tips to help you talk about death with your child Do’s Don’ts ✗ Don’t hide your grief from your child. Seeing you grieve during and long after your loved one’s death will let child know that it’s normal and healthy to cry and feel sad after significant loss.  ✗ Don’t be afraid to share memories of your loved one. Sometimes parents feel afraid to talk about the person who has died, thinking it will cause pain to others. Research shows that the pain of re-living memories or sharing stories actually aids in healing and coping with the death. ✗ Don’t avoid connecting with your child because you feel helpless or uncomfortable, or don’t know what to say. Sometimes a knowing look, or a touch or a hug can offer great comfort.  ✗ Don’t change the subject when your child comes into the room. Doing so makes it seem as though the subject of death is bad or strange. Instead, adjust your wording and level of information when a child is present.  ✗ Don’t change your daily routine. Children need consistency. Try as much as possible to keep your usual daily routines at home and at work. Also, try to ensure that your child continues to take part in their usual activities like school and social events. ✗ Don’t think that death puts a ban on laughing and smiling. Laughter is a great healing tool. Being about to laugh about memories or moments with your loved one signals just how important their presence was in your life.  ✗ Don’t put a time limit on your child’s grieving – or your own. Everyone grieves in their own way. Recognise that a new normal will have to occur - and that time is needed to readjust to a significant death. If you need additional support, reach out to your child’s school, doctor, or religious community. Professional help is also available for you and we would encourage you to take whatever help you need. Thank you to our colleagues at Dudley Public Health for this information